Here is the first Batch:

Snappy Answers
When someone questions the obvious give them back a snappy answer.

Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #5

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

And the VERY BEST snappy answer ....

Snappy Answer #6, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

Jamie and Charlene are the best people that I have never met.

I couldn't ask for better friends (even if some people think they are imaginary).

Dear Grandma,

How are you? I hope you don’t still miss grandpa; he’s in a better place now. He just needs to start over in Florida and you need to give him his freedom. Anyways, don’t worry about the divorce; we all support you and we’re prepared to back that up in court.

On a brighter note, things here at Camp Wanapasakee are really good. I wish you could see this place, it’s amazing. There is this huge lake that is fed by all the waste pipes from the city. I know, I know; it sounds disgusting. But my counselor told me that the water is filtered and that its good for the planet because we’re not wasting water…we’re recycling it.

Speaking of my counselor, he’s the best. His name is Randy, but all the other counselors call him Bong. I don’t really get his nickname but I’m sure it has something to do with the fact that he plays the bongo drums. He’s really into this band called Fish and he said he used to follow them all over the country and experiment with stuff. He wouldn’t tell us what he was experimenting with but I bet it has something to do with plants because he is growing a bunch of them in his trunk. I don’t know why he keeps the plants in his trunk but they really smell…maybe that’s why. Sometimes the whole tent smells like it when we come back from lunch. I always know he’s working hard because he falls asleep ALL THE TIME!

My tent-mates are really cool guys. They all know each other from school so I’m kind of the outsider. Sometimes I hear them doing things at night when they think I’m asleep. It sounds like they’re trying to lift heavy things because they grunt a lot and then they talk about how sweaty they are and how “hard?” they are. I don’t know? It’s probably something from their school. They all have a lisp and that must be because they all come from New Hampshire. I guess people up there just talk like that???

The only bad thing is the bugs. There are mosquitoes everywhere! Plus, some of the other counselors were telling Randy that he left roaches lying around the dock but I haven’t seen any. I hope they don’t get into my tent. The only thing I’ve seen lying around on the floor are just a bunch of tiny pieces of burnt paper. I don’t know where those came from but they definitely aren’t roaches.

Oh, I almost forgot. I met a girl. She’s 12 just like me and is from Long Island. Don’t worry about me and her; she said she couldn’t do anything serious because she is a pre-op. That must mean she’s really religious or something which is fine by me. I just like having someone to hold hands and play football with. It’s kind of embarrassing because she has a lower voice than me and is way taller. But I guess girls just grow faster than boys do.

Oh yeah, there is this really cool song we sing before we eat lunch and dinner. Randy taught it to us and it’s the official camp Wanapasakee song. It goes like this; “Summertime is here again and you know what that means/ It’s time for fun at camp and a whole lot of weed/ Getting shitty at the lake off Tom’s four foot bong/ we’re fried as hell straight to the skull as we sing this song/ Camp Wanapasakee we love you like a friend/ But when that cheeba’s running low/ the summers got to end!” Randy makes us sing it for the other counselors and they all crack up. I don’t get a lot of the song but I’m sure I will by the end of the summer.

I’m really excited because tonight some of the guys from the 14-15 year-old camp invited me to play ookie cookie with them. I don’t really know what it is but they told me we all sit in a circle and there is a cookie in the middle and the winner gets to eat it. It sounds like a lot of fun. After that they promised to give me a swirlie which must be some kind of ice cream like a blizzard at DQ. Those guys are the best.

Well, I’ve got to wake up Randy and go meet the older guys but I hope you’re doing fine and I hope the pills are working. We don’t want you trying to stab the cleaning lady again! Write me as soon as they let you out of the asylum and say hi to my sister for me…it’s been too long since I’ve visited her grave. I love you so much Grandma and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love,
Your Grandson, Kyle

Jamie and Charlene are the best people that I have never met.

I couldn't ask for better friends (even if some people think they are imaginary).

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

Jamie and Charlene are the best people that I have never met.

I couldn't ask for better friends (even if some people think they are imaginary).

Why Men Are Happier Than Women!

1. We keep our last name.
2. The garage is all ours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. We can be president.
6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. The world is our urinal.
9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. We know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
20. We can open all our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
24. Everything on our face stays its original color.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
27. We almost never have strap problems in public
28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. We don't have to shave below our neck.
31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.
34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

Jamie and Charlene are the best people that I have never met.

I couldn't ask for better friends (even if some people think they are imaginary).

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question,

Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: "She saw?"

Sarah: "BRIAN?!"

Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"

Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"

Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."

(long, long pause)

DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

Jamie and Charlene are the best people that I have never met.

I couldn't ask for better friends (even if some people think they are imaginary).

cliff notes on this thread?

quote:

Jamie and Charlene are the best people that I have never met.

I couldn't ask for better friends (even if some people think they are imaginary).

I'll have to repot back to this thread at a later time.

not bad i spose.......

'Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it.
If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying "End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH," the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.'
[Terry Pratchett - Thief of Time]

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so that he could see better while helping deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place - smack his bottom again!"

Jamie and Charlene are the best people that I have never met.

I couldn't ask for better friends (even if some people think they are imaginary).

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and go on many dates.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Jamie and Charlene are the best people that I have never met.

I couldn't ask for better friends (even if some people think they are imaginary).

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.



Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.



That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon."



Not Bad...

Jamie and Charlene are the best people that I have never met.

I couldn't ask for better friends (even if some people think they are imaginary).

quote:

~*~ ~*~ Imperfection is beauty...Madness is genius & it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely stupid. ~*~ ~*~

Jake's mother had 3 children

Quater

Dime

and

?????????

you have to love yourself before any one can truely love you

quote:

'Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it.
If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying "End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH," the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.'
[Terry Pratchett - Thief of Time]

yeah you are right....no one gets it on the first try!

you have to love yourself before any one can truely love you

Funny Shit Zeus

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in an F-14 Tomcat.




If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to "Milk Duds," your sense of humor is seriously broken."




Now this message is for America 's most famous athletes:




Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few.

If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...

Move to Guam .

Change your name.

Fake your own death!

Whatever you do .

Do Not Go!!!





The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff"

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.

"Bananas," he said.

"For the potassium?" I asked.

"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot . But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas.

And I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that.

I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.

I made Linda Blair look polite.

Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought would be egressed.

I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know 'cool'.

Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

"Two Bags."

Jamie and Charlene are the best people that I have never met.

I couldn't ask for better friends (even if some people think they are imaginary).

This one will always get a Marine going!!



Ask a Marine if he new that Chesty Puller had a little known brother in the Air Force.

The Marine will always reply back "really?"



Yea, His name was Dick Puller

(For those of you that don't know, Marines don't worship God, they worship Chesty Puller. He is the most decorated marine to ever live. Think Rambo PMSing and on steroids and you have Chesty Puller.)

Jamie and Charlene are the best people that I have never met.

I couldn't ask for better friends (even if some people think they are imaginary).

A man walks into a drugstore and heads for the pharmacy counter.
He says, "I need some birth control."
Seeing the puzzled look on the pharmacists face, he goes on to say: "It’s for my 12-year old daughter."
The pharmacist asks, "Is your 12-year old daughter sexually active?"
The man replies, "Not really. She just lies there and takes it like her mom."

Jamie and Charlene are the best people that I have never met.

I couldn't ask for better friends (even if some people think they are imaginary).